Part 7: Episode VII: Bandersnatch of Brothers.

Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she'd seen a token scientist's head get smashed and discovered she needs the same amount of parts as in a '91 Chevy Lumina to escape this island. With that said, let's get to it...

Just a refresher of the main hallway where Claire is. That wacky phone service is still out. In 20 years or kids will look at us unbelievingly as we tell them we once had to put quarters into phones on the sidewalk to make calls when our phone wasn't available. Then we'll return to playing three-armed baseball in next to the radioactive lake in the outer wastelands.

Anyway, let's check the door on the lower right.

Zombies. Capcom, you cards.

The other half of this room contains a locked safe needing yet another unique key item. Oh boy...

Claire heads back out and gives the top door a whirl.

Claire does not take kindly to the antics of men spying on her in the womens' locker room. Speaking of which, how did we completely loose a gender of zombies on the jump to Dreamcast? This whole island is a sausage fest outside Claire and Alfred.

Another door is in the back. Surprisingly, this corpse doesn't spring to life at any point.

The next sauna/pool area is full of naked zombies. Though, not to worry, as the T-Virus' first effect is the complete decay of genitalia. And mild breast enhancement.

Below is a rather ornate fountain for this pool. Sorry, no hot bath scene. Despite the fact Claire's been wearing those same clothes for two weeks...

The fountain must be turned off to obtain the key that's under it. There's a button next to the fountain, but that's busted. So the old fashion giant red valve must be put to use.

This yields a key back to that previously locked storage closet. As it'd be too much fucking work to have just let it be unlocked, there needs to be three minutes of minor inconvenience and no less than six load screens for this venture to pan out...

The store closet from earlier contains "Bow Gun Powder". I'm not sure about the whole "Bow" part, but the gunpowder does the trick. Mixing this with bowgun bolts produces...

Gun Powder Arrows. These pack a punch. Taking down zombies in one to two hits (don't you dare waste these on zombies) and larger foes in 3-5. Though, this should mostly be saved for bosses and assorted badass enemies.

That dealt with, Claire proceeds to open the top right shutter with the Biohazard Resident Evil keycard. This reveals a long hallway leading to a door on the end.

A few paces in and the shutter closes behind Claire and eerie music begins playing. To spoil the suspense for the weakhearted, Alfred is being a camping newb just outside.

Claire heads on out to see the spawncamping AWP whore.

Alfred, once more with waiting until his target has noticed his giant laser sight on their head, given time to consider the situation, and act accordingly before firing.

This time, hitting the explosive barrels behind Claire. As we've not had an explosion in some time and the quota must be filled.

She is then treated to a game of avoiding the laser pointer of doom.

This short battle is easy ended by not returning fire, but slowly walking up the stairs. Alfred runs in terror from cooties.

From Alfred's former perch, Claire finds yet another emblem hole. And I thought George Trevor was a prick with all his emblem trap filled mansion design.

Claire heads inside after Alfred. Who, were he smart, would be waiting a few paces away, gun at the ready, and blow her away as soon as she entered the door. Luckily, he's a moron. So Claire enters unharmed. The door to the left leads to the next area, the upper door leads to a save room with an item of mild importance.

There's a bottle on the couch here. (Pick up some decent weaponry from the supply box if you're poorly armed, while you're at it.)

Remember Rodrigo Juan Narrator needed some of this for his non-discrete wound of mild discomfort? We'll get to him later.

Claire heads back into the hall.

Attempting to enter the next area causes a shutter to fall. It may be hard to see him, and damned if I can get a decent shot of him with how fast he's moving and the mild blur effect in cutscenes, but that little brown splotch in front of the boxes is another character:

D.I.J.: Hero Mouse

We'll get more to D.I.J. in a moment. There's more pressing issues at hand....

Namely, Alfred's incredibly gay laughter.

So that's what that smell is...

"I want far more chances to shoot at you...and miss! Hahahahahahahhaaa!"

Cable's out on Rockfort and it's either this or messing with the rabbit ears trying to get Oprah to come in.

Now then, D.I.J.: Hero Mouse. Who is D.I.J., you ask? He is a heroic rodent who makes several a cameo appearance throughout the game and records his encounters with Claire in a diary found in the bonus Battle Game unlocked by completing the game. Let's hear his thoughts on the story so far, shall we...?

D.I.J.'s Diary

"They were all delicious."

Heh. Even mice question Alfred's manhood...

Godspeed, hero mouse.

Tune in for more of his adventures as the game progresses. As for what "D.I.J." stands for? How am I supposed to decipher Capcom's dumb in jokes...?

Getting back to matters at hand. With no other option, Claire proceeds into the next area.

Which conveniently (in the obvious trap bait sense) features a pair of Uzis for that moron Steve.

Unfortunately, the ammo is in the area further along in the (obviously a trap) room.

Just as Claire collects the Sub-Machineguns, the door locks.

A somewhat familiar hands enters through a side shutter (remember silly hat scientist exploder head?)

Meet the Bandersnatch. One should take care to shun these frumious creatures.

You may offer a discount, you may offer a cheque. But the Bandersnatch will will simply extend its arm and snap your damn neck.

Video

Only a vorpal sword or three explosive arrow shots will take down these fiends, which possess neither jaws that snap nor claws that catch. And you don't even want to know the trouble it takes to acquire the former. It's quite a bitch to fetch.

A door opens below. But with such dangers, Claire better take it slow.

Or, just walk right into the next trap. Who am I, really, to yap?

Lewis Carrol's dark revenge ambushes Claire in the next room.

The Bandersnatchii actually have a killing animation like this. See Bonus Content for violent death.

Just then, Capcom programmers remembered how sweet the Matrix was and we're treated to a slow mo panning bullet time entrance through a window by...Steve?

The Bandersnatch drops the stunned Claire, who's lost consciousness due to the craziness of Steve doing something remotely cool.

Bander is not buying this. And is really cursing his lack of a left arm. One stretchy right arm just does not compensate.

Steve fires off a few more rounds. Maybe I was wrong about this guy...

Kick to the teeth follow-up.

Wow, Steve. I dare say that was fairly badass of you... I guess I was wrong about that whole dorky emo fa...

...forget I said a word. You insufferable dork...

Shiny armor: Now including wrist belt buckles to hide cutting marks!

"It's not like I didn't just kill one of those in a straight up fight or anything."

Did I miss a conversation where Steve was insisting on giving Claire help? Since, I distinctly remember "Soreie, laydee. You'll just slooow me douwn!"a few hours ago.

You could just give the prick one, ya know. You know this douche is going to shoot everything with both guns blazing at the same time like an idiot.

Gee, thanks for saving some ammo for me. Where'd you even get ammo for a pair of custom old pistols in the first place?

Not pictured: Steve christening his now weapons with a golden shower.

"Well, gee, asshole. What did you just hand me?"
*click click*
"Why yes, empty weapons. So let's spell out what this means F-U-C-K space Y-O-U!"

To waste shooting walls and putting 59 rounds into a single zombie.

You sure assumed that position quick, eh Steve?

Way to handle the ladies, champ...

"Steve...you can get up now... Steve?"

You know, maybe it's just me, but that magazine really doesn't look it accommodates the 100 or so rounds the sub-machineguns fire out...

Moments later, the lift lurches into action. What, nobody mentioned it was a lift? Uh...well, I guess it was...

And on that less than ominous note, we fade into black...

Does this "descent into death" entail more than three rooms with zombies? No, but find out what else is in store next time in Episode VIII: Crawling in my Skin

Bonus Content

More Alfred Fruitcake Laughter:
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Steve almost being cool, but then failing miserably:
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Claire getting her head smashed by a Bander:
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And a Cerberus kill for good measure.
Video